I’m doing very very poorly today. Really this whole week. I’m trying so hard to hold onto the future but I can’t stop thinking about the past. I see myself closing off more and more. I’ve been pushing people away, the people who are actually kind and compassionate and want to help, and I hate that I’m doing it. I’m seriously considering stopping therapy. I’m obviously broken beyond repair so what’s the point? I’ve hurt everyone who cares about me, and I don’t even really know how or what I did so i can’t prevent it. Isn’t the right thing to do to try to keep people from caring about me to minimize the damage I do?
My sister’s probably right. Her take on my whole situation has been that I’m just too broken for relationships, that I’d become codependent and it’s all my fault. I’ve tried to help people my whole life but I’ve always failed. I wanted to protect my siblings and failed. I wanted to work hard so that my wife could focus on her writing, and failed at that too. I wanted to protect people and help people by working at 911, but was too broken to keep working there. Everyone in my life has hurt me or hated me, and they can’t all be wrong.
The thing is that I know this is at least partially wrong, that I’m seeing the world through a depression filter. But the part of me that can fight against it is getting smaller and smaller each day. On my good days when the depression isn’t as strong, I realize that I should be trying to strengthen connections, not pushing people away. But those days are rare right now. Maybe things will get better when I get employment and get my own place, I know this house is really really unhealthy for me, and is no doubt coloring my perception even further. I’m doing everything I can to get there, I’ve put in hundreds of job applications, and am still applying for everything I can find.
On my good days I know better, but on my bad days, I can’t see it. I just see the harm I’ve apparently done to everyone around me, and all the ways I’ve failed. And then I start pushing people away because I feel I have to protect them from myself. I don’t know. Maybe I just want someone to care enough to push back, to not let me cut them off. I know that’s asking too much of course, I don’t deserve their kindness, much less kindness in the face of active attempts to push them away. I don’t know how to stop it though. When I’m in that kind of foul mood, all of my logical understanding that it’s wrong goes out the window and the feelings take over. I wish I had better discipline but right now I just don’t, I don’t know how to fight this.
Oh well. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I really am just too broken for relationships and it’s better if I’m alone. I don’t want to hurt more people, and I know I don’t deserve the kind of effort it would take to push through my crazy and get to me anyway. I’ve never felt so lonely as I do lately, but it’s better to do no harm.
Thulnar's House 