Okay, it’s time for some kind of mega post bringing my life up to date and organizing my thoughts. I really need to get this out of my way so I can start posting again without feeling like I have a mountain of things unsaid.
Divorce sucks. I think I’m going to be happier on the other side of this, but right now it sucks. My ex and my former best friend seem to be trying hard to make me miserable; I’ve been trying to reach out and connect with my older friends, but if they know either of them then it’s hopeless. I don’t know what they’re telling people to get everyone to hate me, but it must be awful. However, the treatment has definitely shown me that, whatever brought this about, it wasn’t 100% my fault. The kind of behavior she’s been exhibiting isn’t good, whatever the reason. It’s hard for me to accept that she isn’t the person I thought she was all these years, but the thing that I’ve realized is that our relationship had some problems. I know I don’t know the full story, but it’s evident that she was knowingly in a relationship with one of my alters and hiding the disorder from me, which is… awful. I feel immensely violated. I’m asexual and I thought she was okay with that, and having my body used for that relationship feels horrible. But, it’s over now. I’ve made peace with the alter involved, and she has been immensely apologetic.
Anyway, my point is, I’ve come to a sort of tentative peace with what has happened. It’s obvious that my relationship with my wife had some major flaws. So this isn’t me losing a perfect relationship that is never ever going to happen again, this is me gaining the knowledge, and illuminating the fact that my relationship was never perfect. It’s still painful, but one of the truths I hold to is that more knowledge is never bad, so while I will mourn the relationship, I will miss the good times we had together, I’m learning more about myself and that is good.
Most of my friends in the area won’t talk to me now, and that’s really disheartening. I have one friend who still treats me well, and I’m very grateful to her. I’ve been reconnecting with some of my older friends from before I even moved to my current location, and that’s been mixed. Most of them hate me now because of my heathen ways, but there are a few I’ve started talking to again, and it’s like no time has passed, and they have been absolutely wonderful.
Honestly, one of the things that I’m most upset about losing is my D&D game. My brother-in-law runs it, and he may be the world’s best GM. But, my sister has decided that my DID makes me dangerous, so I’m not welcome at their apartment anymore. Or, at least, that’s what she says, although I have a hard time buying it. She was perfectly fine with me when I was afraid that I had dissociated and been violent towards my wife, but decided I was some kind of monster when she found out that my alters had sent some messages to my wife before they realized that she didn’t want to hear from them either. I can’t really talk to her anymore; when I tried, every single conversation just led to more pain. She directly blames me for the actions of my alters, and has very little sympathy to offer for the bullshit that’s been happening. I know that when it all was going down my ex was close to her and they probably spent a lot of time together, and my sister probably got a lot of my ex’s perspective, so I guess it’s to be expected. It still hurts. My siblings and I have always had pretty shallow relationships, and that sister is the one I’d started to open up to, and it sucks that it’s backfired so hard.
I’ve managed to line up work. I have two jobs organized; one is for a global cloudsourced customer service company that I can work from home for. That one’s full time, the other is a part time typist position for some real estate title company in town. Neither is great, but they’ll pay the bills. I should be starting work in the next couple of weeks, and will be able to finally get out of this house.
I’m doing much much better than I was a few weeks ago. Getting work lined up took a lot of weight off, I’d started to really worry about that. But even better, last week I realized that since I’ll primarily be working from home, that means transitioning is an option far sooner than I’d planned for, since I won’t have to worry about workplace discrimination. The second job emphasizes their flexibility so I don’t expect it to be a problem, and frankly if it is a problem, screw them I don’t actually need the second job, it’ll just help me stabilize faster. So now I’m really excited about the prospect of being able to start HRT and building my new wardrobe and adjusting my appearance.
So I was talking to a wonderful old friend, and she brought up an obvious possibility that I hadn’t thought of. I don’t have to stay here. I can move, I can go anywhere. I don’t have many belongings, everything I own would easily fit in my car. My main job is extremely portable. I don’t have to get an apartment in town, I can get an apartment… anywhere. And beyond this current job, which I view as mostly temporary, my career skills are also very portable – literally everyone needs good 911 dispatchers. It’s an interesting thought. One of my friends is trying to sell me on Iowa, which is apparently a very surprisingly trans-friendly state.
It’s an encouraging thought. I never really liked Florida. I don’t like the weather, and I hate the culture here. I have lots of bad memories, and thanks to my ex not many friends. My reasons for staying here are mostly gone. Family, friends, job, and my D&D game. Well, half my family has moved away anyway, I literally have one local friend left, my job doesn’t matter, and my sister thinks I’m a monster so I can’t go to D&D anymore. Plus, my dad’s here, and while he’s been acting so much better lately, I have a hard time trusting that, and… frankly, he still scares me. I told him when I was six or seven that I wanted to be a girl, and his response was to threaten to kill me if I ever acted on it or brought it up, which led to a terrified lifetime of acting as masculine as I could, afraid that a missed step would result in death. He’s acting very accepting now, but I’m not completely sure I’m safe now that I’m open, he’s always been able to put on a good act. I’m painfully aware that I’m kind of an ideal homicide target; I’m depressed, going through a divorce, and have recently attempted suicide, it would be trivial for him to get away with it if he wanted to. I don’t *think* I’m actually in danger, but I’m not sure I’m not, either, and being afraid all the time isn’t healthy. Getting away from here, going far away, would help me feel safer I think, and that would make a big difference for my overall progress.
Anyway, it’s been a really bad few months, but I do think I’m on an upward trend again. The hope that I’ll be able to be me soon is amazing. My divorce hearing is on the 7th, and that’s not really real to me yet… I’m sure that I’ll be a mess that week, and I still have bad days or, more commonly, bad nights, but I really think that I’ve turned the corner and I’ll be able to make it. I’m thinking of the future again, not just the past, and that feels significant. I’ve had energy again! I’ve been working out – well, trying to work out, I’m so out of shape that five minutes of effort wipes me out – and taking better care of myself. I actually cooked a meal like a goddamn adult the other night! It was a nice change from my diet of mostly frozen burritos interspersed with cheap pizza, and was the first time I’d been up for even trying anything that ambitious since the day she left me. If that’s not a mark of progress, I don’t know what is.